A Winter of Depression

   The journey of being Barbara is the goal; it is the process. This time my assignment is to experience diversity. I chose a stocky body that would ground me a little in the maelstrom that would assail me as I journeyed through life.

Then I chose to be Cesarean born, so that I would have to seek out and create my own boundaries and link myself to the dirt for my own grounding. The challenges have been so much fun and so educational.

I remember it was just after my 27^th birthday; I had read Gail Sheehy’s book, “Passages” and connected with the passage she described for that age. I was no longer young; I was married with a young son; I was becoming depressed.

What is it they now say depression is, repressed anger? I guess that I was angry; I was left at home alone with a baby who cried. I thought that it was my fault; I thought that I should know how to fix the situation. He was my first child. I was learning how to be a mother. He volunteered to be the angel who would guide me. It took a while.  

The angel who was my husband would come home from a hard day of work and I would almost throw the baby at him, so that I could do something, anything else.

Why else was I angry? Those feelings are lost in the mists of time, safely locked in the memory of a mind full of life.

I decided that if I was going to be depressed, that I would “BE” depressed. I figured that it would last about 3 months, like in the book; depression at the passage. I moped around, I cried, I anguished how tough my life was. I told my friends that I was depressed. I did this for about three months. I wallowed in depression, I relished each tear. I felt the anger and fear.

Suddenly, as the daffodils poked their heads out of the ground, and the lilacs budded on the bushes, I opened my mind to the love and beauty around me and released the idea of being depressed. I had survived the winter of depression. I took this opportunity to live in joy again.

Peace on the Porch

I like to go out on the porch for my first cup of coffee. I sit there listening to the birds and watching the orange pink splash of sunrise crawl across the sky. It is a wonderful way to start the day.

There is a drawback in this wonderful summer season.

Yes, the air is crisp and cool. I could open the windows and doors and allow the fresh air of early morning to sweeten my home.

Yes, the song birds are singing their sweet melodies as they serenade the world into a new day.

And yes, the panorama of the sky and trees entertain my eyes and heart.

If I listen carefully, I will notice a soft buzzing. Sometimes it is around my head, sometimes I cannot hear it. Sitting, being in the presence of Eos, I slowly become aware of a spot on my foot, or arm. It is a slight awareness. I move my foot and notice a small buzzing thing flit away. It flies erratically, coming near my head or my other leg. I know what it is, this blood sucking monster courting my feet. I wave my hand, not in welcome, more like “go away.”

Yes, it is mosquito season. The daily rains have lain in the assorted containers around Old Town long enough for another bloom. Peace on the porch is not happening today. Today it is mosquitos at dawn. Call mosquito control, they already got me twice.

Thank you

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Look Here

While meditating, I came up with 2 ideas for today’s writing, “Exploring my space” and “Hey, Look at Me.”

The two can combine nicely. When I am in my space the only one who can pay attention to me is me. The only one whose attention I can attract and who will fulfill that need is me. It is my own attention that I seek. It is me who shares my space, for IAM the one.

Perhaps, instead of exploring my space, I simply explore space; the material space and the mental or perceived space that IAM.

Come. Look at me. IAM all, IAM everything, IAM fulfilling your every dream, your every fantasy. It is simply that you don’t know it yet. You are afraid to let go and allow the wonders of being to cascade into your present reality.

Stop. Pause for a moment. My space is filled with the things, ideas, concepts  and loves that I have placed there. These things are carefully placed to attract my attention, and to comfort me.

I have come full circle. I am complete.

Thank you,

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Me in Motion

Me in Motion

Emotions – Energy in motion, or me in motion; I am moving through life surfing a wave of time and space, staying just behind the curl.

And, when I close my eyes I can move my energy in motion anywhere, and any time. The time machine is real; the worm hole exists just behind my eyelids.

The joy of being on the crest of that wave, seeing existence unfurl in front of me comes in the awareness that IAM. 

Thank you

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Greetings Independent on the Day

                           Dependence and Independence 

   

Independence Day – seems ironic. Who in this world is truly independent? We all depend on the web of life for the air that we breathe, the food that we eat and the shelter that protects us. To think that we can be truly independent denies the reality of IAM.

Those who created this country declared independence to gain separation from an oppressive foreign government. Isn't it ironic that within our borders we have created much stress to our citizens with oppressive corporations? Instead of a foreign government dictating the taxes and levies on our daily bread, we have corporations doing the same thing.

           Would these early people of the southern part of North America have rebelled against England had they realized that the only change would be the label? Or, did they know that this would be the case, and simply wanted to own the label?

I believe this country was created with humanistic ideals. When did we let go of that for the pursuit of the dollar? Or does the Boston Tea Party illustrate that it was about money all along? No foreign taxes = more money for me – me - me!